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I have invented a new buzz word


I combined "pout" and "outrage."  It's the outrage people feel over stupid shit.

For example, the outrage expressed by THE ENTIRE COUNTRY during the Balloon Boy incident - poutrage.

Italian Americans being offended by the show "Jersey Shore" and sending the producers death threats - poutrage.

Ralph Nader saying Obama isn't black enough to be a black president - poutrage.

Me being annoyed over Ralph Nader saying Obama isn't black enough to be a black president - poutrage (hey, I ain't immune to it just because I invented the damn word).

Get it?  Got it.  Good.

The Friday Five

1. What is your happiest memory?

We used to go to Lavalette every summer when I was a kid. I think those were great times. Also, the day after I broke up with Vinny my mom made me go to the beach so I wouldn't mope in the house. But I was mopey at the beach so I went for a walk along the shore and collected seashells. I found a bunch of impossibly tiny, perfectly in tact waved whelk shells (picture at the bottom). Lots of them. And I remember feeling, at that moment, that these little shells were good omens telling me that if something so small and delicate could make it to shore in spite of the violence of the ocean, I would survive emotionally and go on to do big things in all aspects of my life. And after that day, everything seemed different. I felt different. Something inside of me changed that day and I haven't looked back since. I don't know if this counts as a happy memory but the world seemed vast and open - in a hopeful, triumphant way.

2. What is the most important life lesson you've learned?

That life is not that serious. And that if you alter your perception positively, good things and happiness will follow.

3. What is the most difficult decision you've had to make?

I think breaking up with Vinny. It wasn't difficult to come to that conclusion but it was difficult to go through with it.

4. What is the best thing about your life?

Everything. I love my life. But if I had to pick something, I'd say the best thing about it is that I am for the first time aware of how great I have it and I am finally confident to do something with it.

5. What is the biggest challenging you're facing right now?

Trying not to get ahead of myself and to not worry about the future so much.

If I ever have a baby...

I want this to be the cake:


I was riding the wave...

Looks like the wave is crashing into the shore at a violent speed that I am not comfortable with.

But there is solace in this.  When I first started talking to Brian, he mentioned in passing that he would teach me how to surf.  My response was, "Oh no no no, I am far too floppy for surfing."  He informed me that being floppy was the best thing to be in terms of surfing.  So maybe I'm good for this.  Good for riding these waves, even the rough ones that seem like tsunami's but end up petering out as they get closer to the shore.

Ha.  I like how I try to find happiness in the weakest, most far fetched source.  What does surfing have to do with it anyway.  Sigh.

If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine

I seem to you to seek a new disaster every day
You deem me due to clean my view and be at peace and lay
I mean to prove I mean to move in my own way, and say,
I've been getting along for long before you came into the play
I originally posted this as a note on Facebook.  I'm sort of uncertain about how Facebook works so I'm posting it here too in case I take it down from FB....

This morning my mind is busy. Busier than I'd like it. Last night there was a conversation that I'm not sure I was ready to have. But the conversation was had and there's not much to say or do beyond that.

Reading Bukowski this morning put things in persepective though. I didn't think his writing was the healthiest route to refocusing but maybe I was wrong. Amid the booze and violence, there's an elegance and a message. Take the following passage. Background: a father and daughter are having a conversation while driving home from the grocery store. They're playing a game where he is the baby and she is the mama. The lack of caps is part of the original printing, fyi. Read:

"baby, why do people try to hit us with their cars?"
"well, mama, it's because they are unhappy and unhappy people like to hurt things."
"aren't there any happy people?"
"there are many people who pretend that they are happy."
"because they are ashamed and frightened and don't have the guts to admit it."
"are you frightened?"
"I only have the guts to admit it to you - I'm so god damned scared, mama, that I think I'm going to die any minute."

So this is the first thing I read this morning. Kind of grim, no? No! It made me think of a few things:

1) A friend of mine who from here on shall be called Laura. Laura is a beautiful wonderful girl. Intelligent, hilarious, incredibly clever, so sweet she gives me diabetes. I have few female friends so I prize them when I have them. Laura has this boyfriend - another friend of mine, we'll call him John - a good guy and completely dedicated to her. The catch is that he is still friends with his ex, we'll call her Mandy, a decidedly unstable person who up until recently was desperately sucking at their friendship hoping to taste the blood of romance once more. But now she's engaged to Bob, thus she is no longer up John's ass. Laura's response? "I don't understand what Bob could see in her." While I adore Laura, it's so disappointing to me that she takes this attitude. She can't just be relieved that Mandy will no longer be an issue for her. She only wishes ill will on Mandy.

2) Another friend, we'll call him Fred, believes there is no such thing as happiness. He believes that it's an illusion that masks itself with things like lust and delight. I disagree. Very much so.

But I think what Bukowski is saying is similar. Only, he's correct. He doesn't discount the idea of happiness existing outright. Just that people are too "ashamed and frightened" to allow happiness in. Or maybe it's because people can't admit to the shame or the fear. It weighs on them heavily without resolution. And there it festers, rotting all the good away. And it's such a handicapped way to live.

People are too quick to not accept happiness at face value. Too quick to poke at and dissect it. Too quick to quantify and label it. What good has that ever gotten us? And for what purpose? This isn't science or calculus, where things are clearly defined and logical. This is just life, highly unpredictable and volatile. We waste our chances for happiness waiting for the other shoe to drop.

So let it drop, I say. Damn the consequences. Fight the future. There are things that I don't want to worry about anymore. So I won't. I like where I am and I like what I'm doing. Why question it? I question because I'm afraid. But. I have the guts to admit it. So. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

In other book news:

1) I am going to write a complaint letter to Harper: Viking. They keep pushing back the release date for The Solitutue of Prime Numbers by Paolo Giordano. Wtf, hurry so I can read it already! Don't they know I can't read Italian and I need the English asap?!

2) They novelized The X-Files: I Want To Believe. Epic. Literary. Fail. For several reasons. First off, am I the only one who realizes that turning TV shows/films into books is a horrible idea that has never worked (with the exception of some Star Trek and Star Wars novels but that's a level of geek that I'm not willing to go to)? Second off, I Want To Believe was a horrendous movie. In fact, I wanted to believe it wasn't happenening!

Sigh. This marks the only X-Files literature that I will NOT be adding to my collection.

Catch 22 reference!

So today I am wearing this fake leather jacket thing and a bomber hat.  Because it is way cold.  So this morning in Starbucks, one of the barista/counter people said to me, "You look like a bombadier from WWII."  To which I responded: "Yossarian lives!"  Highlight of my life.  Maybe not life but probably my day.  Unfortunately, they didn't catch the reference.

I want to make a few literary geek t-shirts.  One for each book that I love.  Ok, so then I will have a million shirts but still.  I really really want to make a Yossarian Lives! t-shirt.  And a Big Brother t-shirt.  And maybe one that says God Bless You Dr. Kervorkian.  Just for Kurt Vonnegut.  I just want to see if anyone gets it.  It amazes me how many New Yorkers are not well read.  Aren't we supposed to be the host of the intellectual elite?  That's what right wing radio hosts say and they only speak the truth! (sidenote: Why is it that whenever I use the phrase "I/they/he/she speak(s) the truth" I always hear it in my head to the tune of that song in Moulin Rouge?)

Haha, Matt just walked down here and said, "I have a task that should be done by someone with serious OCD."  He looked back and forth between Amar and I, smirked and said, "Kristin, I'm looking at you for this one."

Hahahaha I am a nerd with OCD.

Don't ask about Utah

My life is effing absurd.  And hilarious.  And sometimes not so much.

Yesterday morning I was running late for work.  I get off the subway and I run run run up the stairs only to be stopped by a gaggle of cops.  There were at least 15 NYC cops just clogging the upper platform.  They surrounded me like vultures.  Now, you would think that maybe it was because I fit the description of a terrorist or something, right?  Oh, no.

No, they thought I was a high school kid cutting school.  And they wanted to escourt me back to school.  If I wasn't in such a rush I probably would have been nicer but as I was late for work, I was indignant.  My response pretty much was, "School?  School?  Really?  Please, I'm late for work!" 

Geez, do I look that young?  I guess I dress sort of youthfully still but I work in a small office in a laid back industry - I'm allowed to wear jeans and t-shirts all the time.  In fact, I'm probably still one of the better dressers in the office.  But I do carry around a backpack as opposed to a purse which probably makes me look like a school girl.

Though it kinda bugs me that my tax dollars are being used to pay cops to hang out on subway platforms so they can bust high school kids and harass me. 

Sigh, hilarity.

This morning, I came to the realization that people are really angry for no reason.  On the bus, the woman sitting behind me kept kicking and pushing my seat.  So I shifted in my seat everytime she did it.  She grabbed my shoulder and said, "Well it wouldn't happen if you just moved your seat up.  Quit throwing a hissy fit."  So I moved my seat and told her to relax, it wasn't such a big deal.  Then she started to yell.  "You're throwing a hissy fit!  You keep slamming your body against the chair!  You relax!"  (for the record, there is nothing funnier than a screaming  person telling you to calm down).  So I said, "Well you could have just asked - "  "You could have asked!" she yelled/interrupted (what a great come back?).  I paused and calmly said, "You could have just asked nicely instead of kicking the chair.  I would have moved it."  Then I smirked and she stared at me.  She looked like an idiot and I'm guessing she realized that?  I have never won an argument so easily.  So I turned around and went to sleep.

It just made me realize how angry the human race is.  I mean, she went from zero to bitch in 60 seconds.  At 8am on a commuter bus.  Meanwhile, it could have been solved easily by her just asking.  What's the point in all that anger?  I think there's a lot of rage that nobody talks about.  Maybe people need to release it but they don't know how to so they take it out on strangers without consequence.  It's kinda effed up if you think about it.  I see people snap at each other in the morning on the bus all the time.  And it always amazes me.  Why is it that sometimes we can't even do something simple like get to work without a fight?    Anyway, the situation bothered me for about 15 minutes but I guess I'm over it because I am in a pretty good mood today.  Also, way proud that I made her look like an idiot without saying much.  Hooray for being an English Major!

In other news, I got my nose jewelry changed so now I have a lovely ring in my nostril as opposed to the lovely stud I had.  I'm not used to it yet but I kind of love it!


Once again my internet screwed up while I was writing a hefty entry and livejournal is too dumb to figure out how to save the draft and not fudge everything.

I don't have the energy to rewrite everything so here's the jist:

The Afterlife: I've been thinking and I'm replacing Jesus on my list of five to hang out with in the afterlife.  Sorry Jesus, I just really don't think I can survive eternity without Rod Serling.  Besides, according Brian's logic, Jesus will already be there and he will be making rounds to everyone.  Plus, he'll want to hang with my posse no matter what.

Michelle Obama is interesting and so is her family history.

Levi Johnston is surprisingly likeable.  And apparently a gay icon in spite of being a meathead from Alaska.  He's totally embraced his gay fans too which I think is neat.  Johnston has that redneck sincerity and charm that I find appealing.

Random observation today: Hm, I am so different from who I used to be.  It's awesome.  I'm awesome.  You're awesome.  Life is awesome.

The fifth one

My list of people who I'd want to hang out with in the afterlife is complete.  In no particular order:

1) Andy Warhol
2) Kurt Vonnegut
3) Jesus
4) Jim Henson
5) Dr. Seuss

Can't believe it took me so long to come up with Dr. Seuss.  I thought about making some eye candy my fifth but lust is fleeting.


Currently, I am sitting in the South Station bus terminal in Boston awaiting my bus. I came here for the weekend to get away and relax. I planned to read and write. Well I didn't write but I did get a lot of exercise and I did a lot of things. I did get some reading done. More than ever, I amazed myself for the entire trip.

Details and photos to come after my arduous trek back to the city that never sleeps.

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